Fade To Black

He will die, Lynn. No amount of pushing it to the back of your head, or fixating on other things is going to change that fact. The when, the where, who knows. But the fact is, he will die, Lynn. You will have to go home. You will have to face your father. And you will have to face yourself. It isn't that I haven't forgiven him. It is that he thinks he has nothing to be sorry for. Can I get passed the horrible parts of the past, to remember the good. I could hear him moaning last night, when I was on the phone with mom. I've watched a lot of loved ones take their last breath. Up until now, they've been silent. This may not be the thing that kills him, but dear God, the sound. I want to forgive my brother for the things he's done. But I'm scared to death he hasn't changed his ways. Before I am his sister, I am Phoenix's mother. I have to think about him first. I have to know he's not tempted by the dragon again. I just wish there was some kind of sign saying, "IT"S SAFE". But that will never be, and my heart is all I have to go on. I love my brother, and for a long time, he was my closest confidant. I miss that brother, but I'm scared he's already dead; and this heroine monster is all that's left, feeding on my parents kindness and/or naivety? It's been a long time, brother. I hope not too long. Dear God, help us find the way before it's too late.

Colds suck

One eye won't stop watering, the other's bone dry. My face is chapped from the tissue. I hate colds. My throat hurts. But it seems, like I'm penning more stuff down... who knows maybe I'll get back in the swing of things soon.

I promise...

I am going to start blogging regularly. Every single day I tell myself at least ten times, "this would make a great blog". At least a hundred times a day, I get sidetracked by life in general. I have been more sporadic about posting lately, and for that I apologize. I am going to blog more often. This time I mean it. It dawned on me at about 6:30 a.m. I organize everything. Saving for my time. Everyday the house ends up neat as a pin. Everyday it happens in a different order. M cleaning style tends to be that of a pinball. Bouncing around doing all or part of one thing or another, until they are all done. It typically goes like this: Oh the dishes need to be done. Half way through the dishes, crap the stove is icky. After the stove, the counters look like they could use a once over. Oh crap, make Mike's coffee. Wasn't I doing something? Oh yeah, the dishes. Did someone spill sugar right here? Where's the broom. This floor hasn't been mopped in a while. (Go to get the mop). Wow, the laundry/mud room needs to be gone through and reorganized. Where in the hell did he get that? Okay let's find a place for that today. Damn it there are still dishes! Two dishes later, Phoenix is thirsty. (Go to get Phoenix some juice). Oh my God! I need to clean the refrigerator A.S.A.P., and so on and so forth. Everything gets done, and everything ends up in it's place. It's just the manner in which it was organized was in complete disorganization. If that even makes sense. Sorry if all this seems quite incoherent, I seem to still be in some sort of blockage state.
The long and short of it being; if I organize my time the way I do my house, I will always have time to do all the things I need to, because I am cutting out about a thousand trips across the house. So here's to blogging on a regular basis!